INFP Introverts: The 64-Color Box

Here’s what I hear:

* sensitive—“must be gay” (am not)
* nice person/genuine
* opinionated but fair-minded (tolerant)
* thinks too much
* not focused
* can get into head trips
* literal learner/thinker (meaning you have to spell it out if it starts getting too abstract like chemistry)
* always late
* stares into space
* not good at understanding other’s motives (am a sucker for what looks like honest emotion and am manipulated this way)
* has a sense of wonder
* great moderator
* brown-noser
* petty
* he’s a good guy
* have a hard time asking for what’s mine

I’m an INFP adoptee. Talk about confusing trying to learn who you are. Adopted parents test as ENFJ and INFJ. Birthparents, I believe, are INFP (bmom) and INTP (bfather), but with a lot of childhood damage that was never fixed so they’re a bit strange to me. With my adopted parents, I felt like I was raised in bootcamp, “Hut, hut, hut!” Those J’s are tyrannical. Along with the T’s.

Someone else mentioned it wasn’t okay to be themselves in their family. This was me, also. I became an ENTJ to be okay growing up. Didn’t have a clue who I was until late my 20’s. Thank God I waited until 40 to get married. I would’ve been divorced twice by now.

Was popular in high school. Was the one popular person who also identified with the outcasts. Seemed to find what everyone had in common and built on that.

Started work in Corporate America. Got fired—was too honest when the blame bottle spinned on me. Honesty is NOT the best policy in the working world. Lesson learned.

Can relate to the guy who talked about team sports being somewhat of a struggle. The team-bonding thing is so much easier if you’re an extroverted non-sensitive man.

I dated many women. I always found that they liked me and said what a great father I would be. But did this matter to them? In large part, no. They still married—or got excited about—the alpha, non-emotional, screw-them-in-business, have-an-affair-but-you-get-a-big-lifesyle guys.

I listen to some of them complain about their husbands now but I don’t feel sorry for them. They wanted that. This led me to learn to change the people I hung out with. I agree with someone who said “find people who appreciate you for you.” That’s a great demonstration of good self-esteem and one that took me until 40 to learn.

My wife is also an INFP. It’s not easy being married to someone who’s like you in terms of sexual chemistry. I find the sexual attraction thing more with other personality types—the women T’s and J’s. But, this I learned, had more to do with my associating intimacy with rejection (or someone not getting me).

The sparks weren’t as bright with my wife at first but, man, we are friends through everything. I think that’s the healthier way to go.

Definitely not what you’d see on Oprah. Forget what our culture says about you “just knowing.” It’s bull crap coffee table stuff. I know people who’ve said that and gotten divorced a few years later. Essentially, they married their opposites and it didn’t last. The gulf was too wide. Either that or their marriages didn’t resemble anything more than lifestyle/economic arrangements.

I would say heaven and earth are themes for me—trying to balance the practical with the spiritual. Oh, how I envy those who are comfortable not asking the big questions! Sometimes, I wish I could just go on with my life like they do and work, accumulate, then die—without ever having to get my brain messy. Instead, I’m absorbed with “what did that mean?” over and over.

Still I wouldn’t trade my INFP status. I think the rest of the population needs us to bring things from unreality into reality. We are that bridge. To my way of thinking, it makes them all drones.

I found a way to make money in a niche advertising business where I’m my own boss. I don’t have to dress up, impress a boss, show up for meetings on time or kiss anyone’s ass. I recommend this if you can find it. I think INFPs are sort of scapegoated in groups at work.

Peace to you all.

Related: Male INFPs/HSPs (2)

“I think modern society—especially in the United States—has a set of biases that make it difficult for sensitive men to learn about, and come to terms with, their sensitivity. Apart from those who simply ignore the possibility that they might be a HSM, I think there are also significant numbers who may be aware of their sensitivity, but are hesitant or afraid that anyone else might find out. Sadly, I get the sense that most HS men live lives of quiet suffering—many choosing to ‘narcoticize’ the pain of not fitting in with alcohol, drugs, or other addictions. Maybe you’re an HSM, reading these words. And maybe you’ll recognize yourself, somewhere in all this. In retrospect, I can now look at many ‘choice points’ in my life where my being a HSM had an influence on the…”

Continue reading “Highly-Sensitive Men: The Hidden HSPs?”

Are personality tests biased against introverts?
I need a job but I don’t want to be stereotyped as a crazy loner.
By Cary Tennis, salon.com

Jun. 19, 2006 | Dear Cary,

I am currently searching for a job (I’m not choosy, I just need to pay the bills) and have run into a bit of dilemma.

It’s about the personality tests that have become so ubiquitous even for jobs that require no more skills than sandwich making and tending the cash register.

Now I am basically an ethical, honorable, hardworking person. I don’t do drugs, I’m not mentally ill and I don’t break the law. Unfortunately, I have the “wrong” personality type for many of the jobs I am seeking. I am an introvert. However, the assumption that this somehow means that I am incapable of interacting with the public in a friendly and appropriate manner drives me crazy.

While extroverts have the option of never being alone if they don’t wish to, the introvert must always deal with people on some level. True, they may feel more drained at the end of the day, but that doesn’t mean that the stress is going to cause them to huddle in the corner gibbering or perhaps bring a gun to work and open fire.

Only an idiot would honestly answer “Strongly Agree” to questions such as “I prefer to be alone,” on a test. How many times is the crazed serial killer described by neighbors as “a nice quiet person who kept to himself”? American society is biased against introverts, and it’s little wonder that people would try to “cheat” or “fake” out the personality tests they’re given. They know they can do the job and just want a fair chance to prove it.

The sad thing is that if the pattern of my answers reveals me to be a liar or unethical, it really won’t be an accurate reflection of my personality, just the portrait of someone who’s desperate to pay her bills on time.

So what do you think?

Conflicted

Continue reading…

Look Homely, Angel

ABC’s ‘Ugly Betty’ Is Plainly Lovable
By Tom Shales, Washington Post

“Ugly Betty” isn’t just entertainment, it’s therapy. Nirvana therapy. It’s happiness in a tube, or rather The Tube. It’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with no fat or calories. It’s tuning in to “The View” to discover they all have laryngitis. It’s Florida without those disgusting bugs.

Mostly, it’s getting even with anyone who ever rejected your proposal of lunch, dinner, a movie or marriage because they thought you weren’t good enough.

The heroine of “Ugly Betty,” as the title does considerably more than imply, is not by traditional or contemporary standards a raving beauty. But she’s a beautiful person just the same and you might be raving once you meet her.

Continue reading…

Too often, people mis-equate what it means to be an individual with being a freak. Individualism, according to most, unfortunately, means anyone who bucks the norm, be it Frank Lloyd Wright or a psychotic young punk who drowns himself in booze and marijuana. This definition of individualism is not individualism—it is freakism.

A freak’s favorite holiday is Halloween—in which every person comes dressed in a monstrous and grotesque outfit, exerting their differentation from everyone else. The freak wants to create a pretty rainbow, with every person being distinctly different from one another. Differentation is the most primary value to a freak.

The individualist, on the other hand, rejects rebellions for rebellion’s sake—just as he rejects tradition for tradition’s sake. The individualist does not have as a criterion that he is different from other people in order to be an individual. The individualist understands that individualism has one criterion—that you are the sole controller of your destiny. The individualist is one who, at all times, takes on the responsiblity of thinking for one’s self.

Continue reading “Freaks vs Individuals”

Field Guide to the Loner: The Real Insiders
Loners are pitied in our up-with-people culture. But the introvert reaps secret joy from the solitary life.
By Elizabeth Svoboda, Psychology Today

Miina Matsuoka lives by herself in New York City. She owns two cats and routinely screens her calls. But, before you jump to conclusions, note that she is comfortable hobnobbing in any of five languages for her job as business manager at an international lighting-design firm. She just strongly prefers not to socialize—opting instead for long baths, DVDs, and immersion in her art projects. She does have good, close friends, and goes dancing about once a month, but afterward feels a strong need to “hide and recoup.” In our society, where extroverts make up three-quarters of the population, loners (except Henry David Thoreau) are pegged as creepy or pathetic. But soloists like Matsuoka can function just fine in the world—they simply prefer traveling through their own interior universe.

Loners often hear from well-meaning peers that they need to be more social, but the implication that they’re merely black-and-white opposites of their bubbly peers misses the point. Introverts aren’t just less sociable than extroverts; they also engage with the world in fundamentally different ways.

Continue reading…

The mob thinks we are maladjusted. Of course we are adjusted just fine, not to their frequency. They take it personally. They take offense. Feel hurt. Get angry. They do not blame owls for coming out at night, yet they blame us for being as we are. Because it involves them, or at least they believe it does, they assemble the troops and call us names. Crazy. Cold. Stuck-up. Standoffish. Aloof. Afraid. Lacking in social skills. Bizarre. Unable to connect. Incapable of love. Freaks. Geeks. Sad. Lonely. Selfish. Secretive. Ungrateful. Unfriendly. Serial killers.

The mob wants friends along when doing errands, working out at the gym, at the movies. The mob depends on advice. Eating alone in decent restaurants horrifies the mob, saddens the mob, embarrasses the mob. The mob wants friends. The mob needs to be loved. It lives to be loved. Or hated, with that conjoined fervor with which mobs face their enemies. Both love and hate are all about engagement. About being linked with humanity generally, as a policy. Loners have nothing against love but are more careful about it. Sometimes just one fantastic someone is enough.

As a minority, we puzzle over nonloners, their strange values. Why do they require constant affirmation, validation, company, support? Are they babies or what? What bothers them about being alone? What are they so afraid of? Why can’t they be more like us? Loners live among the mob, so the mob mistakes us for its own, presuming and assuming. When the mob gets too close, the truth is revealed. Running or walking away, chased or free, any which way, we tell the mob in effect I don’t need you. Hell hath no fury like a majority scorned.

Continue reading “One is (Not) the Loneliest Number”

Shy, schizoid, and highly-sensitive are fuzzy terms often used interchangeably with introversion. They are not the same as introversion, but I think each word captures some important aspect of human experience. Let me define each of the terms so it isn’t so blurry and describe what each one illustrates. Both introverts and extroverts can be shy, schizoid, or highly-sensitive.

Introversion: This is a healthy capacity to tune into your inner world. It is a constructive and creative quality that is found in many independent thinkers whose contributions have enriched the world. Introverts have social skills, they like people, and they enjoy some types of socializing. However, party chit-chat depletes their energy while giving them little in return. Introverts enjoy one-on-one conversations, but group activities can be overstimulating and drain energy.

Shyness: Shyness is social-anxiety, an extreme self-consciousness when one is around people. It may have some genetic roots (in the form of a highly-reactive fear center), but it is usually learned from experiences at school, with friends, and in families. For some, it comes and goes at various ages and in certain situations. Shy people may feel uncomfortable with one-on-one conversations or in group situations. It is not an issue of energy; it is a lack of confidence in social situations. It is a fear of what others think of you. It produces sweating, shaking, red face or neck, racing heart, self-criticism, and a belief that people are laughing at you. It’s a feeling that you are the only person standing in a giant beam of a klieg light and you wish the floor would open up and swallow you. Shyness is not who you are (like introversion), it is what you think other people think you are, and therefore it is responsive to behavior change. Extroverts who need to be with others to refuel can suffer greatly if they are shy. The good news is that learning strategies to alter your behavior can significantly reduce shyness. I have included several practical books on shyness in the Bibliography at the end of this book. Try some of the suggestions in these books. They work.

Schizoid: People with this disorder live in a painful dilemma. They need relationships, yet they fear close involvement with other people. In most cases, the individuals have grown up in traumatizing and/or neglectful homes and have withdrawn or detached to avoid any more pain from human contact. The schizoid personality disorder is a common diagnosis in the mental health field. Too many psychotherapists confuse it with introversion and shyness, as if they were all the same thing. They’re not.

Highly-Sensitive: These are people who are born with a certain cluster of traits that is often described as a sixth sense. They are extremely perceptive, intuitive, and observant, with finer discrimination than most of us…

Our culture values and rewards the qualities of extroverts. America was built on rugged individualism and the importance of citizens speaking their minds. We value action, speed, competition, and drive.

It’s no wonder people are defensive about introversion. We live in a culture that has a negative attitude about reflection and solitude…

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MBTI: The 16 Types –> The Sixteen Types at a Glance
Take the Test –> Jung Typology Test

“People fear what they don’t understand and hate what they can’t conquer.” —Andrew Smith

Usage directions for this site: Empty your brain of everything you think you know about introverts-introversion and refill the nooks and crannies with truth.

Depressed. Narcissistic. Wallflower. Homicidal. Psychopathic. Whether you’re extroverted or introverted, if any of those words (or their thesaurus kin) come to mind when you hear “introvert,” “introversion,” or “loner,” it’s time to pull up a chair and do some reading to counter and purge prejudice-based caricatures and misperceptions that’re erroneous but often more prevalent (to such a degree that even many otherwise intelligent introverts sheepishly buy into and mindlessly perpetuate them) than fact.

First World-Third World. Black-White. Protestant-Catholic. Blue Collar-White Collar. Urban-Suburban. Ivy League-Community College. Straight-Gay. Tall-Short. Blondes-Brunettes. Mac Users-PC Users. Coke Drinkers-Pepsi Drinkers. Extroverts-Introverts. The list is infinite.

As human beings, we seem to have a need to habitually box, label, and segregate “them”—those who’re different from us in some way, shape, or form—like grocery store products. Sadly, that’s a given. Also a given? Stereotyping entire population segments based on the offbeat or aberrant attitudes-actions-beliefs of the proverbial “bad”-wayward-troubled-misguided apple in each bunch.

Born of similar frustration, this corner of the Internet was designed to expose you to the rest of the apples in the INFP/Introvert bunch.

If you’re a new arrival, welcome.

If you’re a repeat visitor, welcome back.

There’s a lot to sift through. Flip through page by page, use the “Search” box (see sidebar), or shortcut it by scrolling through the archives (by category or month).

General introversion’s the best place to start if this is your first venture into the world of introversion. Other than that broad heading, pretty much everything else here is INFP-oriented.

As you read, keep in mind that the MBTI should, at most, be used as a tool—not a Bible. A plug-and-play “Personality for Dummies” it’s not. But it is a powerful jumpstart instrument for those on the road to serious self-discovery/self-actualization.

All labels aside, who are you?

If you’re not an introvert or an INFP and would like to find out more about your own personality type, check out the following:

Welcome to INFP Introverts. Enjoy your stay.

Mary